Pimpsons.com

Isn’t it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”

I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who’s a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?”

“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.

Muslim extremists commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins.

I just go down the local primary school.

Apparently, black men are hung like horses.

Since when did anyone hang horses from trees?

A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she’s a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”
“Because I’m not a Liverpool fan miss,” she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:”Well, if your not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?”
“I’m a West Ham fan, and proud of it,” Mary replies. The teacher can’t believe her ears. “Mary, how come you’re a Hammers fan?”
“Because my mum and dad are from London’s East End and are West Ham fans, so I’m a West Ham fan too!”
“Still,” says the teacher, annoyed, “that’s no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don’t have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?”
“No,” smiles Mary, “I’d be a Liverpool fan.”

A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe’s chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look here! You’re the only white man we’ve ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”

The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white child.”

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure…

In Africa they didn’t know what “Food” meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “Honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “Shortage” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “Opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “Solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “Please” meant.

And in the USA they didn’t know what “The rest of the world” meant

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said:

“I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend… but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever… So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common?

Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.

A wife was trying to explain the purchase of some expensive underwear to her husband.

“After all, dear,” she said, “you wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”

“No,” the husband replied, “and I wouldn’t expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver either!”

A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.

“Congratulations,” she says. “It’s a healthy baby girl.” As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.

“My baby!” screams the mother.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it!” smiles the nurse.

However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby’s face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.

“What are you doing?!” yells the mother.

“April Fools!” replies the nurse. “It was already dead!”

I lost my virginity to a retard last night… I wanted my first time to be special.

When I was a kid I was very ill in hospital and Gary Glitter came to visit me.

I was touched.

There has been an increase in dwarf suicides over the past year.
But its not a big problem.

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Pauline Hanson!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday!!!!

One day, Little Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher came in. She announced that they were going to play a little game where she would say a letter, and she would pick one person in the class to say an animal that started with that letter.

“A Rat…” Johnny says, spreading his hands about 12″ apart, “with a big fucking dick this long.”

Where do you find a one legged dog?

Where you left it.

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said “I’m going to take a shower and the little girl said “Oh, can I take a shower with you?” and the babysiter said ” Uh, O.K. Just don’t look down.”

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said “What’s that?”

The guy said “Um, it’s a ruber ducky” and the girl says “O.K.”

Then the babysiter said “I’m tired I’m going to go to sleep.” and the girl says “Can I go to sleep with you?” and the guy says “Um, O.K. Just don’t look under the covers.”

So when they’re in the bed there’s a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says “Can I play with your rubber ducky because I’m scared” and the guy says ” Uh, O.K.” and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl “What Happened” and the little girl says”The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it’s head off.”

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic Team?
Because anyone that can swim, run or jump is already in the US.

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

There was a boy standing on the side of the road with a bag of M&M’s and a cat. The boy would pop an M&M in his mouth bite the cat and move down a couple of steps.

A man saw him doing this and the man asks him what he doing and the boy replies “Playing,”.

The man says, “Playing? Playing what?”

“Truckdriver.”

“Truckdriver?”

“Yeah, popin pills, eatin pussy, and movin on down the road.”